Like my first and second Atrial Fibrillation (AFib, A-Fib) episode, my third, fourth, … episodes came and also went away from alone after some time (mostly after some hours). I think until the 9th or 10th episode I always went to the ER, two times by an ambulance car. But with every episode I gained more and more experience about the way my AFib episodes processed. (By the way my AFib until today was diagnosed as paroxysmal AFib and an episode never lasted more than 23 hours and my pulserate was always around 100 bpm. The most episodes in average lasted arround 7 hours until I found a real “game changer” for me that I will explain later.)
After some time I decided not to go to the ER anymore, because I learned I will not (always) die when having an episode and in the clinic they can not really do much for me. So I stayed at home and lay down myself on my sofa waiting until that unwanted visitor had left my body again from alone. At this point of my knowledge and experience I was pretty convinced there is nothing what I can do. My doctors had no idea except ablation and pills, I had no idea and at the internet I only found always the same suspects and scaring horror stories. So my impression at that time was: “Thinking about a self cure – forget it.”
But there were some little key moments that I did not really have had recognized at the beginning. For example it seemed to me that walking arround instead of lying down was not extending (as I had thought), but maybe even shortening the episodes somehow. Stress seemed to be some kind of “trigger” for an episode (sometimes also the stress I had one day before). Nearly always when I ate a self made vegetabe soup with an added artificial flavor I got into an episode … etc. etc. .
This was a really hard time for me (but not only for me), I still had to deal with some other conditions that did not really benefit from my AFib condition, a major depression, anxiety, medication side effects, a treatment trauma, etc. .
My wife, family, friends and some therapists (to some I got a closer relationship by the years), accompanied me through this “nightmare” and I am very thankful to all of them who were staying at my side until today. At many times I thought I should give up, there is no hope anymore, no light at the end of the tunnel, only that AFib-Beast and some other “A**holes” waiting for me in the dark hoping for a nice and tasty sexy evening snack. I don’t know why, but especially when I took antidepressants I had the feeling that ending up is a crazy smart idea. (Note: It wasn’t a smart idea but not only a depression can play tricks on your mind these meds can do too, what is also often reported by people who take them. Irving Kirsch et al. did some very interesting research about the “effectivity” of antidepressants, please see here for more information. Sadly I haven’t read his papers before I got persuaded to take such kind of stuff – but maybe you will do better.)
I can and will not give any advices here, but the most important thing in such a depressive condition for me was “not ending up”. To be honest being together with other people is the exact opposite of what I wanted to do in those moments, but it was the safest and best thing to do for me (but sometimes also very intensive for others). I realised (but it took some time) not to stay alone, better seeking out for help (also trying approaches beyond Western medicine) and trusting in the idea that things will get better after some time is the right way for me. In those times I was always remembering myself that a depression is playing “unfair tricks” on your mind (on top of all the other conditions I had to face).
In one case I sadly made the experience that so called medical professionals were not willing to help me in a critical situation. I went to a clinic (specialised for depression) and told them that I don’t feel safe for myself anymore, because of all that crazy stuff that is pulling me down and I need some medical attention maybe only for a short time. They said: “Okay than take 3mg of Tavor (Lorazepam) now!” I said I have allergic reaction to this kind of medication, sorry I can’t take it. Then they said: “Okay, than piss off!” I said: “What…, why you are doing this, what should I do now?” One guy grabbed me and some seconds later I found myself lying back on the street. That was a really surreal but also teaching experience for me and at least I am very thankful for this “masterpiece of slapstick (like in a Bud Spencer movie)”, because I learned more about humanity in those few minutes than I ever did before. (Note: In Germany such a behavior (refusing first aid) is violating §323c of STGB and means up to 1 year of prison or a high penalty fee. But this kind of punishment applies only for normal citizens, for a medical professional in duty it can be more or less seen as a bottom line.)
(Note: The antidepressants were the first medication I dropped out of my medication plan, all the other stuff followed step by step. I did this after some discussion with my doctors and decided (after recapitulating all of my bad experiences and the unfullfilled promises about medication effectiveness that were given to me) I am old enough to make a decision by my own after I have thought deeply about it.)
What did I learn until this point (not an advice):
- It seemed like the AFib episodes are scaring and bothering, but do not kill me.
- There might be some specific “triggers” for me that are initializing an episode like
stress, some foods, medication, etc.
(Sometimes it also seemed to me the trigger might be “hit” a day before.) - Probably I can take some more influence on how my episodes process,
like duration, intensity and frequecy of their occurrence. (e.g. staying active, …) - Better not staying alone when being in an unstable depressive mood.
- Don’t waste your time with things or people that pull you down.
(Like notoric negative people, internet horror stories (mostly with commercial intention), etc.) - Seeking out for “helpful” help is not always that easy, especially if it is not an “out of the box” problem you are faced with.
In my case it was at least a mixture of family, friends, people (I did not know before) and different holistic working therapists, with much life experience, that brought me back on the track until I was able to do my own steps again. Some of these therapists and people went through deadly illnesses and multiple mental crises themselves. They never blamed or laughed about me and my condition, but clearly stated their awaitings on me. And they gave something to me money can not buy – Hope.
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